Hilarity
by bebe-malvado
Summary: A girl who wants to blackmail the bat finds herself in a whole other world of new adventures as she establishes herself amougst the Gotham rouges
1. A chance meeting

There wasn't much in Gotham that could really shock people there these days. Nuthin seemed to rattle up the 9-5 mobs anymore and that was the problem.

I can't say that I am a particularly intimidating person, but what I aint got I make up for it in smarts. The place were I called home called for that, otherwise POOF you were gone! You had to watch yourself, who you talked to, who you looked at and where you were lookin at looking at.

As I was saying you had to do something big to shake the status-qou, and I reckoned to myself that I had the perfect plan to do just that. The last 2 years I had been watching, listening for anything to do with the Bat. Hell I had never even met the guy but as soon as I saw that first article in the daily rag on him I was hooked. Who was he? Why the fuck does a guy jump around in a skin-tight leather getup, beating up guys with his bare hands?

It took a bit of doing to finally come up with the answer to my little project and finally I had it. I was pretty much hot on the identity of the Bat and boy was it some identity.

It wasn't that hard really once I started to think logically to be honest. I made up what was something similar to a checklist, and on it I had certain boxes that I had to tick. If a guy ticked all the boxes chances were that he was the Batman and then…. Well I haven't decided on that yet.

But anyway, I knew the guy had to be rich, I knew he had to be well connected, though that was a pretty broad thing in Gotham, with all our corrupt politicians, gang lords and just general well-to-do. Most of all though the guy needed a reason, a grudge. Something to hold against the entire seedy underbelly of the Gotham nights and finally after finding this one article from around 10 years ago I knew.

Bruce Wayne. Rich, charismatic, mysterious and not to mention his folks were killed in some alley by a mugger. Now that I look at all this its pretty amazing that no one else ever saw this, but there you go, people always like to float about in there own little rendition of reality.

Now im not a criminal, or some Gotham Rouge but I knew what I had to do with this info in the end. A simple untraceable letter sent to Wayne Manor and I just waited for the fun.

…..

I got a reply in the drop I had said only a day later, and boy was I excited. ' what exactly to do you think you are trying to hold against me? I do not give into black mail', that's what it said. To be honest I had pretty much expected this but I decided to show Wayne exactly what I had against him. I dropped of another little package. My checklist, video footage and a facial analysis I had managed to do myself ( he really should have used a full mask). Another 2 days I waited and finally I got the reply I wanted, 'name your price'….

'Dear Dearest Bruce,

How ya going, I'm swell

Obviously a Million would be excellent, and then you know whatever else I need. But you know I want something else to. I want all your files on the Gotham rouges. I don't really know why, just call it curiosity, but I want them please

Anyway, ta Batman

I cant wait to hear from you again '

…

I dropped of my next letter to Wayne by foot from about 2 miles from the Manor, I knew he would have put up more cameras and security in order to catch his unwanted pen pal, and so with a hat on my head, big ass sunglasses and a smile on my face I trudged on up the road to the Manor.

I was I reckon maybe halfway when it started to rain, actually pour would probably be a better description, but what can you do…. Except trip over a stick in the mud and twist your ankle.

Fuck I growled, and attempted to extricate myself from the mud but that apparently wasn't happening. So I sat there, for I don't know how long, it was actually about 5 minutes cause I checked my phone. But then I saw something coming along the road, a car. Fuck I groan again, this is probably his car….

Okay okay, don't panic, just eat the letter toss, cry and look innocent. And as the last morsel of the note was ingested the car pulled up beside me and a guy quickly got out with a worried look on his face.

I knew who he was, he was the Batman's butler. My dear are you alright, whatever were you doing out here?! He asked alarmed at the state I was in as he tried to help me up. Okay put those acting skills to use now. 'I was out here with some friends and they thought it would be funny to leave me here' I said in the most pathetic voice I could manage, and of course he seemed to lap up every word of the drivel. He gave me another sympathetic look ' let me take you up to manor and get you cleaned up! There's no way I can leave a child out here in the rain!'. Inwardly I growled at being called a child, I was 19 for crying out loud, just because I look like 15 year old school girl….

I managed a small smile for the stupid sod and quiet thanks, and accepted his help getting into the car, which I now realized was a Bentley. I must say I took great pleasure in spreading as much mud as I could in the back or the car.

Alfred tried to make conversation with me on the short ride to the mansion, and in managed to successfully vaguely answer his prying questions. About five minutes later ( though it felt like hours) we pulled up and Alfred quickly got out and helped me up to the big oak door to the manor. I leaned heavily on him playing up my ankle for all it was worth

…

The manor was bloody huge! I didn't know where to look. Suits of armour and a hint of revenge pervaded the entrance hall as Alfred led me to the kitchen. "miss would you like some hot cocoa?" he asked. "I'd love sum Alfy!" I smiled, and a steaming hot cup of chocolate was put before me complete with marshmallows. 'a girl could really get used to this' I thought happily. Now all I have to do now is play along and hopefully get away… or on second thought maybe I could stay here… after all free cocoa and the prospect of harassing the batman was too much to pass up.

…

At that thought a buzzer sounded and Alfred looked up expectantly, "excuse me my dear but I must attend to Master Wayne. I nodded in compliance and pretending to be enjoying my drink. As soon as he left the kitchen I followed him, and I watched as he made his way to this enormous study and disappeared behind an enormous clock. I didn't go in but ten minutes later he popped out again looking rather flustered as I hid behind the doorway, he was muttering to himself about ' what on earth was he thinkin bringin yada yada back here or whatever'. As soon as he swept past me I ran to the grandfather clock and opened it up just like he did, and lo' and behold I found a set of stairs goin down and down. I am a curious kinda person so naturally I followed them and to my joy I found myself in the "batcave".

…..

At the bottom of the stairs I looked around and suddenly heard voices. "be quiet you disgusting animal!" I heard a girl yell, which was followed by a peel of cackling laughter. Immediately I had a suspicion of just who was there and I quietly slunk closer to get a gander.

There handcuffed to the railing was non other than the joker himself, with batgirl furiously typing away at some enormous computer and trying to tone out his ramblings. The Joker turned his head in my direction, seemingly looking right were I was hiding, and then believe it or not he gave me a wink. I couldn't help but smile back at him and he made a whacking motion with his free hand and I knew what he wanted. He wanted he to smack BatGirl Brat in the head. So being the generous person I am I conceded and carefully sidled up to Fembat ad said " wat cha doin?" and before she had time to respond I conked her on noggin with some big piece of metal I found lying around.

The joker let out an outrageous laugh and I cautiously walked closer to him. " Don't be chicken, I don't bite that much" he laughed. I scrutinized him for a second, "howd you end up here?" I asked/

"I could ask you the same thing my dear" he cackled in response, "now how about setting old uncle J loose?". I knew that was a bad idea but hey when in my life have I ever listened to myself, and so I did just that. I rummaged through batgirls numerous batpuches and produced a key which even had a bat engraved on the top. ' What pomps little fags they are' I though at this and I proceeded to unlock the clown prince of crime.

With the joker free he immediately pulled himself to his full height, which was a great deal taller than me, and I couldn't help but slightly freak out. I was not that big in any way, edging on the petite side and I was not sure what he was going to do with me.

" you know sugar I could use I gal like you in my operation!" he stated, "how would you like to sign up?". It didn't really seem much like a question to me, and I knew he would kill me if I said no, so I quickly nodded slightly and smiled.

"PERFECT" he proclaimed, "now we just have to find ourselves a ride and we can be on our meer way!"

I looked around the cave and spotted what looked like a plane. "how about that one?" I asked hesitantly. He laughed once more and ran off towards the batshaped aircraft and immediately jumped into the pilots seat. "Coming?!" he yelled at me, and I jumped into the passengers seat steadily doubting my sanity.

With a laugh and WHOOSH we took of into the night, and I could hear nothing but the Jokers laughter in my ears. He seemingly ignored me til we landed at some abandoned air-strip, and immediately helped me out of the plane, bowing mockingly as he did so. A car was parked not far and when they saw us it drove nearer. The joker grabbed my hand and ushered into the getaway vehicle. Suddenly I felt a sharp stab in my thigh and looked down to see a needle be injected into my leg. Immediately I went fuzzy, the last thing I saw the Jokers leering grin.

…

I tried blinking several times, but the spots seemed to just want to stay dancing around, and I groaned softly to myself. "finally awake I see" a scarily familiar voice whispered in my ear, the hot breath on my neck. I looked up and saw the blurry visage which was unmistakably the Jokers.

" so toots, I gotta hand it to you on showing up right in the nick of time" he drawled. " why who knows what might have happened if you hadn't have shown up!" he laughed.

" but anyway, I take it you know who I am… but I don't know who you are….. would you care to help me out there…?" he spoke in a voice hinting on a threat.

"my names Hilary Blake" I mumbled, still dazed from the drugs. "Hilary ay?, well aint that just perfect!" he guffawed. "you want to join me… you will now be called hilarity!", "like it?" he asked as though daring me to say otherwise. And the funny thing was I actually did like it, it seemed fitting " I smiled at him " I love it" I responded, and at that moment I knew that my life had changed.


	2. Setting the woods on fire

It seems that I was knocked out again, I had realised when I woke up some time later. I really couldn't tell when since the windows were all boared up. The sight that greeted me was an a messy room with not much in it besides a bed, a dresser and some shot up photo frames of some random family. I cautiously got up and rubbed my head, my hair was tangled and slightly greasing from 2 days of no showers, but I didn't really care to much. I got up from the bed and stretched, when suddenly the door slamed open. "Honey I'm home!" a high pitched voice proclaimed ecstaticly, and I automatically recoginzed it as the Joker.

I looked up at him from my head in my hands and he gave me a smile, or at least what was his permanent expression. "So what are you going to with me?" I asked to out of it to really sound as if I cared. The Joker laughed at this, his manic chuckles echoing through the room, " I like you sweetheart! Your different from the other girls… your like me….. a freak". I didn't deny this but I glared at him, "so again, what are you gonna do with me? You didn't answer my question…"

He smirked at me " well since I have helped you out, I thought you could help me out, I mean I introduced you to the real you and all..".

"Hilarity, I suppose I do like that…. But what do you want me to help ya out with?" I asked both apprehensive and curious at the same time.

"oh you know, ah, just a bit of this, a bit of that, and your old fashioned heist or two…" he laughed.

"wellllll…. I suppose I could, but aint gonnsa do it if people know who I am!" I remarked.

At this it drew an even bigger smile to his face. "I know just what you need! A costume!" he ran to the dresser and flung it open revealing a display of colourful clothes and stuff. " play dress up!" he smirked " be ready in twenty!" and with that he skipped out the room.

I got up of the bed and went over to the dresser and looked through it tossing stuff out, 'nope', 'nuh ah', 'no way' I thought to myself as I tossed various items to floor. Finally I smiled as I reached the bottom of the drawer.

…

Duh da da da da da duh I sang loudly as I stood at the top of the stairs. The joker and his goons stood at the bottom sorting out their weapons and stuff.

I slid down the banister and proudly poused, like some sort of strange model, and showed of my new getup, and from what I could see more than a few people in the room like it.

I had finally decided on a purple pinafore dress which I cut from knee length to just below my butt, and a striped orange and red body suit. The whole look was completed by a studded leather jacket, black chocker and gloves and also a pair of combat boots.

The joker looked me up and down, and sidled up to me, "lookin good doll" he smirked appreciatively. I was kinda surprised at this to tell you the truth since Harley Quinn had runaway just a month ago, but I was happy non the less.

With that he steered to the purple painted chevvy he had painted with a big smile, and pushed me in the shotgun seet. The other goons followed behind in a mini van, they had "pimped out" with various splashes of colour and random pieces of metal.

…

We sped through the streets of Gotham, and I was having I a blast. I stuck my head out the window and felt the wind in my hair, and it was amazing. Total freedom, the world was mine ( I mean ours) and no one would stop us.

…..

10 minutes later we arrived at some kind of run down factory and I watched as the guys lugged barrels of probably some kind of explosive. I turned to Joker and didn't say anything, I just bounced on my heels in anticipation.

The joker then looked at some form of invisible watch, And grinned widely. "here we go" he eagerly pronounced as he clamerbed into a waiting semi. He quickly glanced at me and tossed me a thing that looked like a detantor because I was. Again he smiled even wider at me, and with that blew me a kiss and with a screech of tires sped of in the truck, which I saw now had " Slaughter is the best medicine written on it:.

…..

I waited for around half an hour or so, when I suddenly felt my phone ringing in my pocket. I answered and of course it was Joker. I smiled to myself, "hit the button", he jeered and I obliged. The deafening blast from the building I stood maybe only two hundred yards from rocked the area, and it lit up the sky like it was the fourth of July. It was soooo pretty! And I could not look away from the burning sky.

I had stood there for a couple of minutes, when I was suddenly jolted back to reality with the sound of sirens. " shiiiiit!: I yelped and dived to the ground pretending to be an innocent bystander named Jenny who had been on her late night stroll".

However the police mobile that pulled up held the Joker rather than the cops. And I let out a breath of relief.

"nice work babe" he laughed as he saw the destruction, " I really cant take all the credit J, it wasn't my bombs that blew the place to timbuktoo!", I replied modestly without realising my nicknaming of him. I immediately clamped my mouth shut and was silently hitting myself when I realised I did this, but to my surpise he just laughed uproariously. And pulled me over into the police car he had "liberated" and shoved me into the passengers seat while I started giggling at the absubidity of what had just happened.

…. (joker pov)…..

The girl next to me laughing her head of in fuzzmobile interested me. You know 'ah' in the way a ball of yarn interests a cat, or 'ah' how a dying deer does to a wolf. I needless to say was quite pleased with my new toy, she was much less annoying than old Harley girl who was still in the nuthouse.

I stuck my head out the window as I tore through the streets of downtown Gotham, the night air whipping at my face, bring a smile to it.

We turned back up at the hideout in no time, with a few choice shortcuts through a public park and and a picnic and I jumped out of the car. It was time for some more fun for this fair city, and I was the only one who get help them out.

'Hilarity' hehehe I like that name, followed behind me like a good little puppy and watched as inside I started rummaging through draws and piles of crap.

"wha la!" I proclaimed as I pulled out what I had been searching for. A detonator. I wont tell you what for just yet, wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

….. (hilaritys pov)

The thing he pulled out looked like some kind of RC remote that a demented mad toddler scientist had gotten his hands on, and I didn't ask, I just simply raised my eyebrow in query.

" this my dear is the key to chaos, and it is mine!" he warbled joyously. "now why don't you go on upstairs and doll you self up, we have a night on town ahead!" he chuckled and he very nearly skipped into the kitchen/ weapon storage.

I did not particulary like being called doll but I was not really gonna argue with the likes of him, so I went on up to the "powder room" and peered at myself in the mirror. The clownish makeup I was wearing was smeared and made me look more than slightly crazy. I giggled to myself at this, and proceded to smear on somemore white grease paint. Followed my black diamonds around the eyes, red circles on the cheeks and some lovely black lipstick. Once I was done I stepped back to admire my work, and once I pleased I skipped of back downstairs.

The joker was back in the main room and lounging on the couch, tapping his foot impatiently. "finally done ? women!" he proclaimed exasperatedly. I laughed, " hey you think it is easy looking this good!". " my sincerest apologies my dear" he said mockingly " but we have a schedule to keep".

With that he held out in his hands to me a nice big machine gun. "is it my birthday already" I asked curiously, trying to keep a sincere look on my face. He looked at me at this and laughed histerically, " no wonder I keep you around!". "now what you are going to do is go on a little field trip today, and I shall be your teacher!" he smirked, " we shall be studying the effects of heavy gun fire on bats". "oooooh sounds positively educational!" I happily replied, and with a salute yelled " where to teacher sir!?".

" that is a surprise darling, now hop on in the truck and lets go and start the lesson".


End file.
